3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
