apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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