Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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