I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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