my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
