She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
