we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
