I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize