Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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