I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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