I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
