Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
my phone needs a breathalizer
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
