i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
