Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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