he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
