I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
