Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
