one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
