A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize