Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
