how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
