the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
