Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
