If i could tip my vagina, i would.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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