Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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