He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
