He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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