please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
