You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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