Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
