Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
