You can't motorboat a personality
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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