You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
