It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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