why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
