yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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