It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
