I love black thongs
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
