Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
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