you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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