it's not cheating when I paid for it
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
bring money and cleavage
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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