someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
