Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
