you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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