My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
