areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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