the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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