Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
