I think i sorta joined a cult last night
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
