i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
