Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
