Swine flu. Run for my life!
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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