My friends, they love my intelligence
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize