Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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