Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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